Hold On Im Falling
by velvetsteel
Summary: River is running from the demons in her past and is walking a fine wire what happens when she falls...


I dashed from the room and began to sprint as I travelled down the hallways

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the marvel characters River belongs to me. And even if ya did try to sue me I'm just a highschool student with about $15 in my back account…

J

I dashed from the room and began to sprint as I travelled down the hallways. As I burst from the house my veins were fiery and my eyes glazed with pain. I kept running pushing myself harder and harder. My legs burned so I pumped them harder, I ran through the scrub feeling scratches across my arms and legs. I covered my face and kept sprinting. Further and further – faster and faster. If I felt physical pain then maybe just maybe I wouldn't feel the emotional pain. I came to a road covered in snow. I shivered. Realising for the first time that I was so cold. I stopped for my bearings. I heard the screeching of the tires and turned to feel the headlights burn my eyes as the car hit me.

***

I looked up from the snow. There was a deep crimson seeping across the white. The contrast was like a river of red roses flowing over pale feathers. I pulled myself up feeling the exquisite familiarity of pain engulf me. I stumbled along. The car had stopped. I fell against it with a thunk letting it support me as I leaned and stumbled along. I could smell burning. There was no one inside. I looked over to see storm, scott and another guy I didn't recognise fighting sabre tooth. A girl lay close to me in the snow. She looked hurt yet innocent gentle. I felt a stirring of protective instinct. I called all the pain I had ever felt and transferred all the memories the pain into the beast before me. I called forth all my energy reserves and called the element of flame around me. The ice and snow began to melt with a hiss behind me as I walked. The fear in his eyes widened. "Run or die." He growled back at me and so I walked closer.

"Go." I spread my hands and sent a green shield to encompass him, to flow around him. He turned and fled. I let go of the shield and stood there… I had used all my energy all of it. I took my last breath feeling my heart beat slow. 

"River?!" exclaimed Scott. 

The flames disappeared as I hit the ground and my heart beat its last.

***

_I had to help them! I had to! God let me help them! I had to get to them. The pain sweet aradia the pain. I watched over and over as they were slaughtered in front of me. I screamed over and over at the rivers of blood that bled out of them. HE turned the knife to me, began to slaughter me…I couldn't fight him… It tore away at me.I couldn't see him… just hear the taunting laugh. The pain! I screamed over and over , "Someone HELP ME… PLEASE!" I kept screaming._ There was a prick of pain on my arm and the oblivion washed over me once again…

***

My eyes felt so heavy. I could hear people talking, but through the haze couldn't quite tell what they were saying… I struggled against the fog in my mind. I opened my eyes and squinted as the harsh fluorescent lights stung. I sat up and clutched my head. I felt someone try to push back down but instead I flung them away from me… But it didn't work I was too weak… Why was I alive? I died… Didn't I?"DON"T TOUCH ME!" I said raspily. but with threat in my voice. Then quietly again. "Don't touch me…"

I pulled away from them and stood on my own leaning against the bench until my head stopped spinning… No I was definitely alive… I reopened my eyes… Everything was out of focus. I pulled away from bed and wavered gently. My ribs and back hurt like all hell but not as bad as it had done before. My shoulder stung though, I looked at Jean's face. 

"Hey Jean how ya going?"

"The question is how do you feel…"

***

The girl in front of him cracked a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "Never better." She began to walk away… he could smell her pain, her injuries. "Where do you think your going?" asked Jean

"I'm going to go get a drink."

"Would you like some water?"

"No I want a bottle of bicardi, and that's what I'm gonna get."

"Now River…"

Shut up Jean, just shut the fuck up." I began to walk away.

"River, we need to take some x rays of you to discern all the damage."

I didn't turn around. "There's four broken ribs, 1 slipped disc…" I spread my shoulders and rolled my spine with audible clunking noises… "Now relocated one dislocated shoulder and a sprained wrist." I started to walk again

"Id still feel better if we could get some x rays."

"Good for you." I kept walking. As I did I passed the guy who I hadn't recognised and felt again the protective stirring not only for him but the girl. I turned, "Hows the girl?"

"What girl?"

"The one he was with." I motioned with my head.

"Oh Rogue she's fine." I turned and began to walk away. "Um River the Professor wishes to see you as well."

"Why?" I said it hard cold deadly.

"He wanted to talk to you about your dreams."

"I thought I told you both to stay the fuck out of my head." My voice became icy deadly cold. "We didn't have much choice you were screaming, and your body couldn't take the strain."

"I know what my body can and cant handle and I'll be the decider. I don't want you to sedate me again."

"Like you knew your body well enough to kill yourself using all your energy?"

"That was the point Jean."

I laughed and smiled a cold little smile as I walked out of the room.

***

I left the underground system and walked through the hallways to my room. The others stared like they always did, one in particular gawked with openness. I turned around stared at him until he turned away… an outcast among the hated… normality. I rounded a bend and kept walking. I got into my room sculled a fifth of bicardi to numb the pain and quickly changed into a black singlet top and some black combat pants, pulled my hair back and went into the training space. 

***

Logan watched as she stalked from the room. She was like hellcat; get too close and she'd rip your throat out. He had a feeling it wasn't always like that. When he saw here he felt something within himself. Something like protectiveness… something like a craving to make her pain go away… He turned back to Jean."What happened to her?"

"As of yet no one knows something flipped her switch though… but ever since we met her she's been walking a fine wire… like she's fighting within herself for sanity. Sometimes she gets pushed over the edge…" A tear slid down her cheek. "If only you could see the difference between now and what she can be like."

Logan nodded and turned to leave the room.

He tracked her scent through the halls, to her room and then to the practice room…

***

I began to kick box I did it through the tearing pain until there was nothing left but a red haze to dwell in. But in the end I couldn't help it the pain was too much I leant against the bag my ribs on fire and my shoulder burning. I pulled away and fought through the pain, pain was good, pain kept me alive, pain made me dead. Pain was the only pure thing left in my life it took everything from me and left me with something. I needed it. I deserved it. _I didn't save them…_I shook the remnants of my dream away.

The singlet top became drenched in sweat and the bruising and all my scars were easily seen. I followed through with a series of punches and ended with a roundhouse kick, I executed it wrong and fell to the ground hugging my ribs, pain caressing my body like a long lost lover. I closed my eyes against the sensation 

Logan reached out and picked her up off the ground. 

I felt a touch against my body and shook against the hold. Memories ran through me of what they had done, all the scars… all of it.

All at once she became alive kneeing him in the groin and wrenching away from him. "What part of don't touch me don't you fuckers understand?" I said to myself under my breath.

"The bit where you needed help." 

_How had he heard me!_I looked at him warily. 

"I wont hurt you unno." I looked at him and my eyes flashed and darkened. 

"Its not me I'm worried about." I pulled myself up to look him up and down. I didn't just see him I could feel him too… The sensation echoed through me. There was a strength there and his own deep pain swirling beneath the surface. 

"Who are you?" I asked coldly.

"I could ask you the same." He answered just as coldly.

"I'm River." He nodded and looked me up and down

"I'm Logan."

I nodded and looked him up and down again assessing his strength. There was something different about him… something…. I turned away. 

"What happened to your back?" he asked.

I felt an instant of self-consciousness. Then pushed it away cruelly.

"What happened to your hands?" I asked back. The tingling was there… I could sense it like something was beneath his skin clawing its way out. He looked at me blankly.I took a breath and came closer. I rubbed my fingers between his knuckles and felt a small shock of lightning through me. "Inside here…" I whispered my fingers gently rubbed and probed between his knuckles as I closed my eyes trying to discern the sensation inside. What was it? What was inside there?

"You know for someone who doesn't like to be touched your sure friendly with everyone else…" he whispered in my ear. 

I looked up I was close enough to him, chest to chest, I could see his dark blue –grey eyes darken even more. I looked down at my own hands. _What the hell are you doing?! You haven't touched anyone in… months a year what the fuck are you doing!?! _I felt panic and bile race up through my throat. I wrenched away burnt and wrapped my hands around my waist. A grimace touched my lips. I turned around and began to walk away. 

"I'm finished now feel free to use the stuff."

I didn't answer, just kept walking. Logan cursed as she left, why her? What was it about her that made him feel so… compassionate? _You're getting soft who cares what happened to her. _He told himself. _You do._ A little insistent voice intruded. Logan growled and slashed the punching bag 

***

I sighed as the hot water flowed gently across my body. So warm and caressing gently taking the pain away. I leant against the tiles for support everything hurt so much, my body, my soul, my mind… all ravaged… all desperately trying to put themselves back together. All seeking for some clarity. I was like being in a locked room and remembering what it was like on the outside yet you can find a way out. I was so tired. So tired of fighting, so tired of feeling. _Why couldn't they let me die?_ I asked myself again and again. "WHY!?" I hit out at the tiled wall then just rubbed my hands against my eyes and just let the water flow around me washing away pain and gently warming me. I felt tears begin in my eyes and pushed them away I wouldn't cry! I WOULDN'T! I'd never cry. Never… "You never give up and you never give in kiddo remember that."I told myself rubbing at the tattooed phrase on my wrist. It was calming, regenerating. Turning off the taps and wrapping myself in a towel. I walked to the room and just collapsed upon the bed.

***

I awoke immediately as I heard the faint jiggle of the doorknob. I sensed another come into the room. I regulated my breathing as I felt them move around. Panic began to race through me and I fought to contain it. I tightened my hand on the neck of the bottle and got ready to pounce I waited until they were close to the edge of the bed, and leaping at them broke the bottle and dug it deep into them. I found myself pinned to the floor under a male body, panic set in and I struggled with everything I had. "GET THE FUCK OFF ME!" I screamed kneeing him in the balls. The guy on top of me grunted and repositioned himself so I couldn't move.

She was shaking beneath him, he could smell her fear. _Great you wanted to check up on her not scare the hell out of her._

I looked up at the face of my captor. "Logan. GET THE FUCK OF ME!!"

"Alright hellcat, I'm not gonna hurt ya I just came in here to check up on you… I'm gonna let you up now okay… no trying to kill me again either." He got up and pulled the bottle out of his chest. I was shaking as I stood I had just buried a bottle into the chest of an innocent guy. I grabbed a towel of the bed and wrung it around me and walked back into a corner sinking down to sit there away from him… _I had just killed a man… an innocent man… I'm a monster… just like… NO!_ _Oh god no!_ My mind screamed My mind screamed. I watched as Logan sat on the edge of the bed. I felt my sanity slipping away. I rubbed the tattoo on my wrist and repeated the words over and over looking into his eyes.

Her eyes were so green and so big like she was about to shatter… "I'm sorry for scarin' ya darlin'."

"I'm sorry…." she had so much sorrow in her voice. "I didn't mean to kill you…" she was shaking. He got off the bed and walked over pulling her up against him. "Ya didn' kill me darlin'… see I'm still alive."

"But you'll die I drove that bottle in deep." Her sorrow washed over him.

"No I wont." 

"I'm sorry…"

Logan reached down and grasped her hand gently and brought it up to the now healed wound. He laid her finger gently there… see all better… I heal quick darlin'"

Her eyes widened even more as she stroked her fingers against his skin.She was trembling so bad that he steadied her by putting his hands around her small waist. He fit perfectly in his arms as she fell against him. 

_I'm not a killer… he's fine…_ he kissed the top of my head and stroked up and down my back as he whispered gently in my ear. I pulled away ice maiden back into poise. "Let go." His arms dropped away. "What did you want?" I once again put arms distance between us. _I'll be damned… how had he healed so quick _I felt relief sweep through me pure sweet relief and almost buckled under it. 

"I came to check on you. After what you've been through and then what you put yourself through in the training yard…"

"What I do is none of your concern." His eyes darkened. 

_Push him away, next time you might not be so lucky. "_Look Logan just fuck off alright! I don't need you or anyone else acting as my guardian."

"Why? Why don't ya want anyone to care about ya darlin'?"

"I don't exactly see your admirers lining up at the door." My eyes scathed him.

"I prefer to be alone."

"So do I… now leave before I make you."

"I doubt you could darlin'" My emotions riled and I need to release the aggression anyway. I shrugged and sent him flying into the corridor the door slamming shut behind him.

***

I looked out over the vast extent of land before me mesmerised by the simple beauty it portrayed. I sighed hugging my knees up underneath me for warmth and just let my head rest there while my back leant against the tree.I closed my eyes against the pain of my ribs… I had come out here to think and yet nothingness was inside of me. I forced myself to concentrate on what I felt. _Loneliness, isolation, despair… after a while they all well up inside of you until you need to scream but can't… God why is this happening? You fool god doesn't exist nothing exists to help you, your all on your own…_ The melancholy and sadness welled up inside of me. _Why not trust Logan? _A small voice echoed in the back of my mind. _Because you're a loner kiddo, once you care people can hurt you, people can destroy you and you can destroy them._ I reminded myself. I sighed and stood up this was getting me no where… I need help I can't do this on my own anymore… I looked up at the tree leaves and made my decision.

***

I walked into my bathroom and bolted the doors sealing them as best I could. Sitting down in the bath I let the images play over and over in my mind, the hurt, the betrayal, the pain of seeing everything I love and care for wither and dies around me. I pulled out the blade and ran it along my skin… it left a small trail of blood. I sighed and dug it in deep. It hurt… but not as bad as I thought it would… 

RIVER! I heard the professors mental call. I felt weak. The life was slowly ebbing out of me in dark pools of crimson blood. I lay back and cut myself off from everything. I let the darkness claim me and sighed. It would all be over soon…

Logan received the mental yelling of Professor Charles Xaviour. Never before had he heard the guy so riled. Then he understood why… Claws beared he ran to her room where the others were desperately trying to get through the door before it was too late. He pushed them out of the way and slashed through. She was lying limp and bloody, her own coppery tanged blood scenting the air and covering her body. He picked her up – she was so light in his arms and ran to the infirmary.

He lay her down on the bed as Hank and Jean went to work to stop the bleeding. Her own blood was upon his arms and he watched as they tried to restore the life she had carelessly tried to take. He took a deep breath as she remained unresponsive. "Dammit SAVE HER!" he bellowed at them. HE was in turmoil. _I should have protected her, should have done something! God I should have known… please don't let her die… DON'T LET HER DIE!_

***

I was running… running hard and fast, running away… It hurt I didn't save them, never saved them. I felt the knife tear into my back, the hands grope at me over and over again. I began to scream. "SOMEONE HELP ME! HELP ME!!" I kept screaming but they wouldn't stop, their mocking laughter filled me ears…

Scene switch

I looked down at the blood which I has spilt. It was across my hands and it wasn't mine… The glassy eyes stared back at me. "No… NO! NO! NOOOOOO!" I screamed over and over again praying their deaths were a lie. "NO! Don't LEAVE ME AGAIN! NO!" I screamed out to graps at there lifeless bodies, there was nothingness… I was alone

Scene switch

I was back in the bathroom, in the bath tub. The blood poured from my wrist. I didn't want to die and it hurt. There was so much pain. WHY? Why am I still alive? I asked myself over and over again/ "Why did I live and why did they die?" I couldn't take it anymore… IT hurt too much. "GOD SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE!!" I screamed.

"SOMEBODY HELP ME!! HELP ME!! PLEASE!!" I screamed over and over again. I bolted upright with a snap. I was in the med lab, there were harsh fluorescent lights around me, and people were holding me down… I was pushed back onto the bed with a sob and rolled onto my side, burying my face in my arms and hands and cried.

***

I lay back on the bed, the harsh fluorescent lights were gone now… It was dark and I lay in silence. I sat up, legs draping over the bed and dangling. I raised my wrist and gently ran my fingers across it. I was still alive, and they were dead and now I had nothing. A low keening rose in my throat and I began to cry, great big heart wrenching sobs."Someone forgive me the things I've done…" 

"There's nothing to forgive…" he said My head snapped up, in the shadows stood wolverine… He looked so tired. I wept openly for the first time, he came to me and held me while I cried and I clung to him… It hurt so bad and I was worthless… I cried for so long, letting the pain out and he stood there the entire time holding me, letting me cry on his shoulder. I pulled away. 

"I'm sorry…" he kissed one of the remaining tears off my cheek.

"It's alright and just wait and see… It'll be alright, I promise I'll take care of you…"

"Why?"

"Because… just because…"

***


End file.
